Beauty comes after the pain

I am in the most frustrating situation. I am involved again with my first love, the love of my life, and its in secret. Its not that I am ashamed. It is not that either of us is seeing someone else. The issue lies in our past, and more specifically in his. I loved him years ago. He loved me as well. Now, things are deeper than before. He can look at me and know what I'm thinking. I find myself wanting to do little things for him just because. When we're apart, we're lonely. When together, I've told him I'm at home, and he has told me that he is at peace. We always talk of what we want, and there is no doubt in my mind that we wish to share a future. All of this sounds wonderful. But years ago, we did break up. It was not our choice to. It was due to his past. Perhaps it was for the best, because losing what we had made him straighten up more so, and he told me that he would have given up all of what he had been doing to be with me. Now, I see that. He's kept his word. Things aren't perfect, but they are better than before and I'm happy with him. But I have to keep this secret. I love him so much. He's the first person I want to talk to everyday and the last person I think of before I sleep. He's the one with whom time slips away while we kiss. He is the one who can bring me nearly to tears with the simple words "I love you". He is the one who tells me that he wants to take care of me and make me happy. He tells me that he will never change how he feels for me, and that he will always let me know how he feels. It makes me happy just to let him know how much I care about him. When he is hungry, I want to bring him food. When he is upset, I try to counsel him. When he is in pain, I want to comfort him. He has offered to massage me while I'm in pain. He has offered to help me when I'm short on money. When we did go out, my money was good for nothing because he always paid for everything. All I want is to spend time with the person who I have grown to care for over the last five years. Thousands of texts, IMs, and emails later, we know each other very well. Time has flown, and I'm thankful that we have one another again. I only wish I knew the words to say to make everything all right in our situation. If I could go back in time I'd have been wiser in what I disclosed about his past. I do not doubt that for a moment. I lost the most caring person I'd ever been with. Maybe I feel this way because things had an untimely end, or because he was my first actual boyfriend. I don't know that. All I know is that I have never felt that a guy cared so much about me. Its not a physical thing. I find him very attractive, but we have never slept together, and he respects my desire to wait until marriage. Speaking of marriage, he is the only person who has ever proposed to me. I was caught off guard, and I would have loved to say yes, but the time was not right. And...that was not the first time we discussed it. Three years ago, he brought up marriage. I've become friends with his sister, who disclosed to me that he feels he should have married me a long time ago. Keep in mind I am 22. We dated while I was 17... Anyway, when I'm with him, nothing else matters and our happiness is all I can think about. When he hugs me or holds my hand or caresses my face or rubs his nose against mine, I know that he cares. Its all real. I know what I feel and I know what I want. When holidays come around, or special days in general, I miss him more than usual. I'd love to be with him today. I felt the same way for Thanksgiving. I have grown used to his leaving for work. Being with someone who works offshore is different. However, he always texts and calls and sends pictures and lets me know he is thinking of me. When he is home, we find a way to see one another. This thing we have is so simple for us. We love each other. Its only complicated because my family, whom I love very much, won't accept the man whom I have grown to love. Until this dilemma is resolved, I will remain frustrated. I even have a little gray hair now. Stress is the worst... But I'll try to stay calm and keep our secret. Its worked for nine months. A few more won't hurt too bad. At least I hope not.

reflectingonbeauty

I heard something today and realized just how much I love a part of my past. A brief part, nonetheless it is one of the most significant periods I've gone through. As silly as it sounds, that's how I remember my first love, quite fondly. Perhaps that isn't too common. But a bond of friendship isn't easily broken, and when you honestly just want the other person's happiness, with or without yourself adding to that equation, you know that you do love them, and that you can move on. So yes I know without a doubt that I love him, that I loved him, and I will hold him dear because he holds a place no man can take from me. I reconnnected with this first love. This epic five year long electronic correspondence to maintain a one month romance. This immature, but brilliant way to have what we really wanted- contact with one another. It wasn't a physical thing. It was that we missed each other. He added to my life and encouraged me. He still does. He pushes me to follow my dreams. He trusts me and loves me. He is an amazing man, who has made his mistakes and taken his knocks, has overcome some strong demons, and is standing strong like I always knew he could. He will forever be a friend to me, and though I realized today to what extent I care for him, I also know that he and I may never fulfill that dream that we wished to achieve together- a life of our own. The thing is, at this point, we can be happy without it. We have our victory, simply in that he is in my life, and I am in his. Not feeling guilt, or feeling like a possession is actually very refreshing. I'm free. He still helps hold my heart safe from harm. And yes I admit that my heart fell when I heard he could be injured. But I pray for the best for him daily. I know he'll be home again soon, and I know that he knows I'll be waiting for his safe return. What I feel for him isn't the remnant of a romance from days gone by- it's a true love, unwavering and permanent. No matter what happens to us, we'll stay solid. Again, I am not weak for him romantically, but I refuse to separate the emotional bond which morphed into a lifelong friendship. So here's to you, sweetheart...since you've always called me that, its only fitting I do. Because you are. I know you'll be home soon...I miss and love you. And you need to stop worrying me. Haha.

Am I really that foolish, or did I just want what I know isn't mine to have? Am I ever going to be able to fix it, or has the time come to move on? I feel like I made a bad decision, and I can't take it back. I know I should not have obliged, but it seemed oh so right. I'll remember this feeling, and hopefully it spares me Never again will I fall for the one who cares not for me Yet with options in front of me I look behind to what I miss In the course of a day, memories returned through a kiss. I wanted to do what I did but I knew it was risque. I just followed what seemed to feel good. Now i'm confused in part, kinda upset, and in a weird place Because figuratively speaking, I moved back to square one. I'd never want to risk something good for something that isnt promised. But through my actions, I conveyed just that. I write freely on here, so here's to you- The one I feel is so familiar and comfortable The one from whom a glance makes me smile The one who knows just what to say I've thought about it, and you deserve to know. however, my resolve isn't so strong that I approach you. So here goes: I miss you I do still find you handsome I find you funny I find you affectionate I could go on and on, but... ...this has to be a reasonable length. I've thought about you I still dont know how we got to be here. I sometimes wish it was different But I know that what should happen will.

beautifulhonesty

This is the story of a guy and a girl. It could be your story. It could happen to anyone who believes in the notions of love at first sight and the power of the heart to grant a second chance. It seemed just yesterday that we met. It was an ordinary, run of the mill, routine, not-so-special day. But that day was destined to spark something. Something I had no idea would transpire. And I thought nothing of that day, eight years ago, when we first met. Now somehow, we began speaking, and it was the weirdest thing, because it wasn't exactly our first meeting. It was our first interaction. I remember thinking about how beautiful your eyes were, and though I thought you were attractive, I wasn't head over heels or anything. I was still in my i-don't-know-what-to-say-or-do-and-i'm-too-young-to-date-anyway-so-stay-unnoticed phase. But you were kind to me, and I never forgot that. I was one in a sea of thousands, and somehow you found me. The year went on, and we'd see one another. We'd speak briefly, only when possible, and go about our business. And interestingly enough, I had some trouble remembering your name. Haha. But things changed in a few months. And I lost all contact with you. But that was not the end of things. In one more year, we happened to meet again. Then things were disrupted again. I thought nothing of it, and went on with my life. And of course, one year later, we regained contact again. However, things were different. I wasn't such a shy-don't-look-at-me-don't-talk-to-me kind of person. And I had no idea what to expect from you, but somehow, we connected. You took me on my first date. I never forgot that night. Maybe it was a sign for me of things to come. It wasn't supposed to be a date, but it turned into one. And that turned into a second date. Then somehow, we were dating. It was a whirlwind. And then we had a third date. But just as things started to pick up steam, we hit a major roadblock called reality and its sidekick, the past, began tailing us. It didn't matter how much we tried to ignore the issues, we couldn't run from them. Your beautiful honesty with me made me care for you more. I saw your heart in our talks. But on the outside, you didn't seem to be the same person. We were forcibly separated. Neither of us could stand it. So we fought for what we thought was young love. Three dates. One month. We tried hard to hold on, but things got worse, so we had to chill. The thing is, a flame of love burning brightly is more than enough to light the fuse and reveal the power hidden deep inside of a small thing known as the heart. We just had to be patient. So we waited. And waited. And waited. And waited even longer. Then we got back in touch, and we were living our lives. It was a mutual understanding that we couldn't be together no matter how much we wanted to. That was a tough realization to come to. How was I to part with the only person I had been in love with? Yet I dealt with it. We met once that year. And the next year after that, our true feelings about the situation surfaced. What came to light was a desire we could not deny. We loved one another, after having been apart for over a year. I grabbed on to hope and didn't let it go. You said back then that you wanted to marry me. How could you have known that? And then, we still had to deal with the initial problem- we still couldn't be together. So another year passed. We remained friends. We dated other people. Everything was as great as it could be. Then you asked me, in another moment of honesty, if I really was over you or just wanted to be in a relationship which wasn't so dysfunctional. Ours had become complicated and seemed unfair to both parties. Our hearts were still bound, though. Again, for the sake of some kind of bond, we remained friends. Six more months passed. And the most unexpected thing happened. We stopped talking. This seems like a cold ending. But in reflecting on the experience of truly being cut off from one another for a year, I realized that we were in a hypothetical chrysalis. The fruit borne of our separation would be so much more beautiful than we could ever have imagined. And one day, on another ordinary, run of the mill, routine, not-so-special day, it happened. We found one another again. And it all came back. Overwhelmingly fast. But it didn't mean we could see one another. And we gauged one another's interest, until finding out that we both still held the same feelings deep within. How, five years after three dates, did we still feel like there was fuel left to keep what we once had going? All of this, and not even a single kiss. Just a strong emotional bond built through electronic correspondence. Let me speak to the stubbornness of a heart that has found its home. It wants no new home. It grows comfortable with the one who takes care of it, even from afar. And now that you're up to speed on this incredible situation, my outpour of honesty has come to a halt...for now. Well, I forgot to mention...he still wants to see me again, yada yada yada. But let me also say that I believe him wholeheartedly when he says he will wait to be with me, that his heart is mine, that I'm the only woman for him, that he will do all he can to keep us from becoming separated again, and yes, that he wants to make me his wife. That said, I'll end this post.