reflectingonbeauty

I heard something today and realized just how much I love a part of my past. A brief part, nonetheless it is one of the most significant periods I've gone through. As silly as it sounds, that's how I remember my first love, quite fondly. Perhaps that isn't too common. But a bond of friendship isn't easily broken, and when you honestly just want the other person's happiness, with or without yourself adding to that equation, you know that you do love them, and that you can move on. So yes I know without a doubt that I love him, that I loved him, and I will hold him dear because he holds a place no man can take from me. I reconnnected with this first love. This epic five year long electronic correspondence to maintain a one month romance. This immature, but brilliant way to have what we really wanted- contact with one another. It wasn't a physical thing. It was that we missed each other. He added to my life and encouraged me. He still does. He pushes me to follow my dreams. He trusts me and loves me. He is an amazing man, who has made his mistakes and taken his knocks, has overcome some strong demons, and is standing strong like I always knew he could. He will forever be a friend to me, and though I realized today to what extent I care for him, I also know that he and I may never fulfill that dream that we wished to achieve together- a life of our own. The thing is, at this point, we can be happy without it. We have our victory, simply in that he is in my life, and I am in his. Not feeling guilt, or feeling like a possession is actually very refreshing. I'm free. He still helps hold my heart safe from harm. And yes I admit that my heart fell when I heard he could be injured. But I pray for the best for him daily. I know he'll be home again soon, and I know that he knows I'll be waiting for his safe return. What I feel for him isn't the remnant of a romance from days gone by- it's a true love, unwavering and permanent. No matter what happens to us, we'll stay solid. Again, I am not weak for him romantically, but I refuse to separate the emotional bond which morphed into a lifelong friendship. So here's to you, sweetheart...since you've always called me that, its only fitting I do. Because you are. I know you'll be home soon...I miss and love you. And you need to stop worrying me. Haha.

Am I really that foolish, or did I just want what I know isn't mine to have? Am I ever going to be able to fix it, or has the time come to move on? I feel like I made a bad decision, and I can't take it back. I know I should not have obliged, but it seemed oh so right. I'll remember this feeling, and hopefully it spares me Never again will I fall for the one who cares not for me Yet with options in front of me I look behind to what I miss In the course of a day, memories returned through a kiss. I wanted to do what I did but I knew it was risque. I just followed what seemed to feel good. Now i'm confused in part, kinda upset, and in a weird place Because figuratively speaking, I moved back to square one. I'd never want to risk something good for something that isnt promised. But through my actions, I conveyed just that. I write freely on here, so here's to you- The one I feel is so familiar and comfortable The one from whom a glance makes me smile The one who knows just what to say I've thought about it, and you deserve to know. however, my resolve isn't so strong that I approach you. So here goes: I miss you I do still find you handsome I find you funny I find you affectionate I could go on and on, but... ...this has to be a reasonable length. I've thought about you I still dont know how we got to be here. I sometimes wish it was different But I know that what should happen will.

beautifulhonesty

This is the story of a guy and a girl. It could be your story. It could happen to anyone who believes in the notions of love at first sight and the power of the heart to grant a second chance. It seemed just yesterday that we met. It was an ordinary, run of the mill, routine, not-so-special day. But that day was destined to spark something. Something I had no idea would transpire. And I thought nothing of that day, eight years ago, when we first met. Now somehow, we began speaking, and it was the weirdest thing, because it wasn't exactly our first meeting. It was our first interaction. I remember thinking about how beautiful your eyes were, and though I thought you were attractive, I wasn't head over heels or anything. I was still in my i-don't-know-what-to-say-or-do-and-i'm-too-young-to-date-anyway-so-stay-unnoticed phase. But you were kind to me, and I never forgot that. I was one in a sea of thousands, and somehow you found me. The year went on, and we'd see one another. We'd speak briefly, only when possible, and go about our business. And interestingly enough, I had some trouble remembering your name. Haha. But things changed in a few months. And I lost all contact with you. But that was not the end of things. In one more year, we happened to meet again. Then things were disrupted again. I thought nothing of it, and went on with my life. And of course, one year later, we regained contact again. However, things were different. I wasn't such a shy-don't-look-at-me-don't-talk-to-me kind of person. And I had no idea what to expect from you, but somehow, we connected. You took me on my first date. I never forgot that night. Maybe it was a sign for me of things to come. It wasn't supposed to be a date, but it turned into one. And that turned into a second date. Then somehow, we were dating. It was a whirlwind. And then we had a third date. But just as things started to pick up steam, we hit a major roadblock called reality and its sidekick, the past, began tailing us. It didn't matter how much we tried to ignore the issues, we couldn't run from them. Your beautiful honesty with me made me care for you more. I saw your heart in our talks. But on the outside, you didn't seem to be the same person. We were forcibly separated. Neither of us could stand it. So we fought for what we thought was young love. Three dates. One month. We tried hard to hold on, but things got worse, so we had to chill. The thing is, a flame of love burning brightly is more than enough to light the fuse and reveal the power hidden deep inside of a small thing known as the heart. We just had to be patient. So we waited. And waited. And waited. And waited even longer. Then we got back in touch, and we were living our lives. It was a mutual understanding that we couldn't be together no matter how much we wanted to. That was a tough realization to come to. How was I to part with the only person I had been in love with? Yet I dealt with it. We met once that year. And the next year after that, our true feelings about the situation surfaced. What came to light was a desire we could not deny. We loved one another, after having been apart for over a year. I grabbed on to hope and didn't let it go. You said back then that you wanted to marry me. How could you have known that? And then, we still had to deal with the initial problem- we still couldn't be together. So another year passed. We remained friends. We dated other people. Everything was as great as it could be. Then you asked me, in another moment of honesty, if I really was over you or just wanted to be in a relationship which wasn't so dysfunctional. Ours had become complicated and seemed unfair to both parties. Our hearts were still bound, though. Again, for the sake of some kind of bond, we remained friends. Six more months passed. And the most unexpected thing happened. We stopped talking. This seems like a cold ending. But in reflecting on the experience of truly being cut off from one another for a year, I realized that we were in a hypothetical chrysalis. The fruit borne of our separation would be so much more beautiful than we could ever have imagined. And one day, on another ordinary, run of the mill, routine, not-so-special day, it happened. We found one another again. And it all came back. Overwhelmingly fast. But it didn't mean we could see one another. And we gauged one another's interest, until finding out that we both still held the same feelings deep within. How, five years after three dates, did we still feel like there was fuel left to keep what we once had going? All of this, and not even a single kiss. Just a strong emotional bond built through electronic correspondence. Let me speak to the stubbornness of a heart that has found its home. It wants no new home. It grows comfortable with the one who takes care of it, even from afar. And now that you're up to speed on this incredible situation, my outpour of honesty has come to a halt...for now. Well, I forgot to mention...he still wants to see me again, yada yada yada. But let me also say that I believe him wholeheartedly when he says he will wait to be with me, that his heart is mine, that I'm the only woman for him, that he will do all he can to keep us from becoming separated again, and yes, that he wants to make me his wife. That said, I'll end this post.