Beauty comes after the pain

I am in the most frustrating situation. I am involved again with my first love, the love of my life, and its in secret. Its not that I am ashamed. It is not that either of us is seeing someone else. The issue lies in our past, and more specifically in his. I loved him years ago. He loved me as well. Now, things are deeper than before. He can look at me and know what I'm thinking. I find myself wanting to do little things for him just because. When we're apart, we're lonely. When together, I've told him I'm at home, and he has told me that he is at peace. We always talk of what we want, and there is no doubt in my mind that we wish to share a future. All of this sounds wonderful. But years ago, we did break up. It was not our choice to. It was due to his past. Perhaps it was for the best, because losing what we had made him straighten up more so, and he told me that he would have given up all of what he had been doing to be with me. Now, I see that. He's kept his word. Things aren't perfect, but they are better than before and I'm happy with him. But I have to keep this secret. I love him so much. He's the first person I want to talk to everyday and the last person I think of before I sleep. He's the one with whom time slips away while we kiss. He is the one who can bring me nearly to tears with the simple words "I love you". He is the one who tells me that he wants to take care of me and make me happy. He tells me that he will never change how he feels for me, and that he will always let me know how he feels. It makes me happy just to let him know how much I care about him. When he is hungry, I want to bring him food. When he is upset, I try to counsel him. When he is in pain, I want to comfort him. He has offered to massage me while I'm in pain. He has offered to help me when I'm short on money. When we did go out, my money was good for nothing because he always paid for everything. All I want is to spend time with the person who I have grown to care for over the last five years. Thousands of texts, IMs, and emails later, we know each other very well. Time has flown, and I'm thankful that we have one another again. I only wish I knew the words to say to make everything all right in our situation. If I could go back in time I'd have been wiser in what I disclosed about his past. I do not doubt that for a moment. I lost the most caring person I'd ever been with. Maybe I feel this way because things had an untimely end, or because he was my first actual boyfriend. I don't know that. All I know is that I have never felt that a guy cared so much about me. Its not a physical thing. I find him very attractive, but we have never slept together, and he respects my desire to wait until marriage. Speaking of marriage, he is the only person who has ever proposed to me. I was caught off guard, and I would have loved to say yes, but the time was not right. And...that was not the first time we discussed it. Three years ago, he brought up marriage. I've become friends with his sister, who disclosed to me that he feels he should have married me a long time ago. Keep in mind I am 22. We dated while I was 17... Anyway, when I'm with him, nothing else matters and our happiness is all I can think about. When he hugs me or holds my hand or caresses my face or rubs his nose against mine, I know that he cares. Its all real. I know what I feel and I know what I want. When holidays come around, or special days in general, I miss him more than usual. I'd love to be with him today. I felt the same way for Thanksgiving. I have grown used to his leaving for work. Being with someone who works offshore is different. However, he always texts and calls and sends pictures and lets me know he is thinking of me. When he is home, we find a way to see one another. This thing we have is so simple for us. We love each other. Its only complicated because my family, whom I love very much, won't accept the man whom I have grown to love. Until this dilemma is resolved, I will remain frustrated. I even have a little gray hair now. Stress is the worst... But I'll try to stay calm and keep our secret. Its worked for nine months. A few more won't hurt too bad. At least I hope not.